Whew! I survived!

I thought that rehearsal would be the death of me. I also thought I was going to be really achy afterwards. It wasn't too bad today. The worst part was my knees-- they just feel tight. They don't hurt or anything, but they're just not feeling quite normal.

So, tomorrow might be my first big test (when it comes to eating right). Amber is throwing a party for Leighann and no one is coming. Amber said she bought a Dairy Queen cake... Scary for me! Not only does ice cream sound pretty good right about now, but I also feel like I have to eat some because Amber went to the trouble.

OK, easy problem first: Amber's wasted effort. It's not my fault she bought the cake before anyone responded to the invitation. It's not my fault Dairy Queen cakes are expensive. I have every right to not eat any of it. And if she gets huffy, I'll just remind her that she has been in my shoes before-- trying to eat right with other people trying to push food on her.

The other problem: I kinda want some! Well, right at the moment I'm hungry since it's the middle of the night and I'm still up. (Why am I still up, by the way?) Also, I view food as a bonding experience. I need to remember that eating the cake will not strengthen our friendships. We can share other things-- like the games and movie that we will enjoy. If I absolutely must have some cake, I can work it in. There are things I can take out of my diet to allow for it. But the cake will not make me happier-- not eating the cake, on the other hand, might.

OK, I think I'm ready.

Ouch

First rehearsal for the play today. It was... exhausting. I'm tired and achy already. It's so good for me. Ouch.

Second week done!

My second week is done and I feel like I did pretty dang well. I only lost 2 lbs 2 oz, but that's a good, healthy amount. Of course, I'd love to see the dramatic numbers, but that can't always be.

On Wednesday, I'm assured that we are going to start learning the dances for Joseph. This last week it was all singing, so it was boring and no exercise. This week, I'll put on my dancing shoes and go to town!

Maybe this week I'll see some more dramatic weight loss...?

This week: -2.125lbs
Total: -7.125lbs

Mercury poisoning makes you realize...

So today I broke a high efficiency light bulb and it cut me. I was trying to change it and it wouldn't come out so I grabbed kind of tightly and started to turn... A loud POP came as it shattered in my hand, puncturing my finger in the process. It hurt. And then I got scared because of the mercury.

Needless to say, I'm fine. But I was a little concerned because all of the "clean up" instructions online make it very clear you shouldn't touch the thing with bare hands. Well, in all of the hubbub, I didn't take my morning dose of PhenD. And I felt fine. I was perfectly happy going along with my day, eating what I was supposed to. Sure, I felt more hunger than I have in the last two weeks, but it wasn't a big deal.

Then I got sleepy. Really, really sleepy. And I started to feel pouty. I wanted my mommy or my cat or someone to worry about me and tell me it would be OK. Chelsea asked me if I wanted chocolate and I really did.

But I realized that sure I had a little injury, but what was really affecting me was that I hadn't had my drugs. Uh oh. I am a little dependent on that stuff. It's not like I was super depressed, but I did feel low and mopey. So, I think I'll stay on it for a while until I have a good two days where I don't have to go anywhere and I can sleep all day.

But I also realized something else-- even though I had a perfectly good reason to indulge in chocolate (I was injured! I was tired! I missed Jackie! I deserved candy for goodness sake!) I didn't want it. I had the prescence of mind to realize that what I really wanted was comfort-- not food. And that made it easier to say no.

And then I took my PhenD.

Thoughts about being a food addict...

"Food addict" sounds dramatic, doesn't it? But when I look at how I use food, that's what it seems like: an addiction. When I'm tired or frustrated, I think to myself, "I deserve this candy." When I want to have a good time with people, I suggest going out to eat, not just because it's a good place to sit around and talk, but because I associate closeness with food. There are tons of examples like this.

I read online about food addiction and they talked about how eating creates a "high" for some people. The mere act of eating-- not digesting the food, just going through the motions of tasting and chewing-- increases serotonin or something in the brain. This clicked for me. When I'm exceptionally tired and stressed, just starting to eat makes me relax. Sometimes even sitting down with the food, before even taking one bite, and I feel better.

So... how would one go about changing their way of thinking about food so that it's not an addiction, but merely "fueling up"? Well, if the folks at Food Addicts Anonymous know what they're talking about, you have to treat it like any addiction and go through the 12 steps. I'm not convinced I'm quite in that boat. I have strange thought patterns about food, but I don't think I've ever hurt anyone because of it (other than myself).

But they do have some good ideas. One is to just take it one day at a time. There's no need for me to worry about my birthday (do I eat cake or no?), I just have to face what's in front of me today. Today, I can control what I put into my body. Another "mantra" I found interesting was "Today, I have a choice." I am not controlled by food or my cravings. I control what I do.

My personal tactic is to focus on my thinking. Why do I crave the ranch biscuits from Red Lobster right now? Am I hungry for bread or am I tired/sad/stressed out and need an outlet? A while ago (a couple years now, I guess) I read Dr. Phil's weight loss book (I know, I know). He talks about slowing down your thinking to see what the trail was that got you to where you're at. He says that once we get a habit or pattern established, our thoughts move so quickly from cause to reaction that we don't even notice anymore. I eat when I'm sad without actually thinking the thoughts, "This ice cream will make me happier." I just eat.

So, putting all of it together, once upon a time, I connected eating with relief of some kind (relaxation, happiness) and now that connection is part of my thinking. Now, when I'm tired/sad/stressed I eat and I feel an immediate relief (probably because of the emotional association) and then a later physical reaction as my body digests the food. Usually, it's food with a high sugar content, so I get a sugar high. Then I crash when the sugar wears off and my problem has not gone away. Add in the fact that I now feel bad/stupid for eating poorly. So I do it again to make myself feel better.

Nasty cycle.

The long and short of it (well, too late for it to really be short, isn't it?) is that I believe it starts in the mind. "As a man thinketh, so is he," right? I want to change the way I think so I can deal with my emotions in a healthy way rather than smother them with deep fried denial.

But that's a rant for another time.

First night of rehearsals done

So, we had rehearsal last night which was basically just a lot of sitting around, singing. As a dancer, I don't think I'll be singing very much as evidenced by the fact that when I didn't have music and asked for some they asked, "Are you in the chorus?" and I told them no, I was a dancer and they said, "Oh. You won't need it." Ah. Very good then.

But no dancing last night. I'm hoping that we'll start dancing on Saturday even though they told us we'll be doing a sing-through on Saturday. (Sounds like more sitting around, right?) I just wanna dance!

My biggest concern right now is my memory. It is getting very bad indeed. A couple times my roomates have had to remind me of things they told me the day before and I had no memory at all of it. That hasn't happened to me for a long time. Then I forgot my laptop at home two days in a row. Whenever I'm getting ready, I notice that I'm forgetting little things like my phone and I'll have to go back upstairs to get it. Again, this is new for me... at least to this extent. Then I left my phone at work yesterday. And I forgot to get the $$ due for VW to Dad. I don't know if I'm just not getting enough sleep or if it's a side-effect of the PhenD. I'll look it up.

Other than that things are going well. I'm trying not to weigh myself this week until I go back in on Monday. That might be hard to do. If I get frustrated, maybe I'll weigh myself to see the progress.

Those meal replacement bars aren't a great idea for me. They don't actually replace all the calories from a meal so I end up getting cranky when my meds wear off. Really cranky. It wasn't pretty last night. If I'm going to eat them, I have to eat other foods along with it. I think they may work better for breakfast because I'm not as tired in the morning and I take the PhenD about two hours after breakfast anyway.

Total: -5lbs

Doing kinda better

Today, I tried to keep looking on the bright side. I don't want to get frustrated after only one week doing this thing! Besides, I lost a lot of weight last week!

I just keep trying to picture myself thin and imagine how great that will feel. What I have to remember is that it's not like one day I'll wake up skinny. The whole time I'm getting down there will be fun because I'll keep seeing my body change. That will be awesome! Every milestone will feel fantastic!

First week done

Well, that was depressing. After weighing myself at home and seeing 7lbs come off, I expected to see at least that much on the scale at the doctor's. Not to be. The official number is 5lbs. Down 5lbs. Did I gain two pounds in the two days since I weighed myself at home? Probably not. Well... possibly, I guess.

All I know is I did everything right my first week (aside from a little too much mayo a couple times). I should just be proud of myself for that, but it's hard not to feel disappointed when the Wii told me something different than the scale at the doctor.

BUT Samantha said that she only lost 4lbs her first week, but that the weight loss was generally consistent. So... maybe I can get another couple weeks of dramatic numbers (like 5!)-- wouldn't that be cool? We'll see. I do start play rehearsal this week, so that will mean a lot more exercise in my life.

I was talking to Kim the other day about why it is that people gain back weight they've already lost. I mean, I know why-- they go back to eating poorly and not exercising-- but why do they let themselves? I don't want to return to former habits after this. I want to change how I process my feelings, etc so I don't turn to food for comfort, quick energy, etc. How do I change the way I think?

This week: -5lbs
Total: -5lbs

Week one almost finished...

I'm nervous for tomorrow! I'm going to the weight doctor for my first check in. So far, I think I've lost quite a bit for the first week, but I'm still holding my breath. I worry that I'll gain all of this water weight all of a sudden or something.

My second diuretic wasn't nearly as dramatic as the first. I lost 4.6lbs with the first one and may 1lb with the second one. I guess that's a good sign that I'm not retaining water.

Anyway... I'm getting into a routine with eating and that's nice. It still doesn't feel like a burden which is good. There were a couple of moments when I wanted something delicious (movie popcorn, anyone?), but I did a good job to stay away. I'm proud of myself!

The musical starts on Wednesday. That should be a lot of fun and some good aerobic exercise! Hopefully that will help me to drop some more. I know that I need to incorporate working out into my life somehow-- it just seems like I'm so busy! How do people do it all?

This week: -7lbs
Total: -7lbs

Whew! Day 3.

Well, I'm still right on track. I thought today was going to be really hard because I worked from home, but it turned out alright. The hardest part was right before dinner-- I just wanted to EAT!!!

I tried saving up my fruits so I could get a Jamba Juice w/out ice cream (just fruit and ice). While it tasted great, it was hard not to have the whole thing (I really should only have about 1/2 of a small one which would count as 3 fruits). But I did stop before finishing it! I felt good about that.

I'm noticing that I'm pretty obsessed with what I eat right now. If I didn't think it was weird to do so, I would probably talk about my eating habits constantly. Good thing I have a blog where I can do that!

I took the PhenD a little earlier today and it seemed to work better that way. I actually fell asleep before 11 while watching a movie! The last few days I've found it hard to sleep-- I just didn't feel tired at all. I think I'll stick with the earlier schedule.

Well, tomorrow I'm doing the garage sale (finally!) but it's also another day of diuretic. Could be a crazy day! I'm trying not to hope for too big a weight loss since I already did the diuretic once earlier this week. I probably shouldn't weigh myself until I go to the doctor again on Monday.

We'll see how that goes!

This week: - 5.9lbs
Total: -5.9lbs

2nd Day, still going!

Usually the 2nd day is the hardest for me when I start eating differently. This time, it wasn't too bad.

The biggest mistake I made was having the meal replacement bar, but not having any other food with it. It was several hours before I ate again and it wasn't great. I read somewhere about PhenD that you have to make sure to eat because being very hungry (low energy) along with the false sense of energy the pill gives you can make you feel tense and shaky. That's what happened to me. I just felt PMSed or something. I was perfectly fine after I ate, though.

It's good to know the meal replacements aren't meant to be eaten alone. I bought them so I could use them when I go from work to rehearsal (starting next week). Now I know to plan on bringing some other foods with me.

And, guess what? Another 1.3lbs lost. I'm trying to not get an unrealistic expectation for how I will lose after this week. Samantha said she lost 2-4lbs/week consistently the whole time she was on it (about a year). That is really good and I need to remember that when things slow down to that level, it's a good thing-- healthier.

This week: -5.9lbs
Total: -5.9lbs

First post, first week, first day

I just started on a weight-loss program with Dr. James Martin in Mesa, AZ. The program includes a 1,000 cal diet (modeled after the old diabetics diet w/ exchanges, remember that?), weekly B5/B6 shots, B5/B6 oral spray, appetite suppressants and diuretics (to be used occasionally). It is quite a lot to keep track of. So far, I'm thinking more about all the things I have to do than about the food I'm missing!

This might also have something to do with the appetite suppressant I'm taking. It is phendimetrazine (PhenD) which is essentially a milder version phentermine (PhenT) and makes me feel like I've just downed two Cokes. I feel slightly caffeinated, but not too jittery. The biggest effect (other than the lack of hunger) is optimism. Yes, that's right: optimism. I would say it's unnatural optimism, but that makes me sound like a pessimistic person. I just feel like everything will work out all the time. Maybe that's because it will. Or maybe it's because of the drugs. :)

At any rate, I had to take the diuretic for the first time yesterday and I was in the restroom like 7 times during work! (Maybe that's a slight exaggeration! Very slight.) It seems to have paid off because I lost 4.6lbs yesterday. Now my fear is that I'll just put that water weight back on because it came off unnaturally.

So, I feel pretty good (thank you, PhenD!) and I'm glad I'm eating so much more healthily. I know this won't be a quick fix for me. Even with drugs and diuretics, it will take a good, long while to get to my overall goal weight. Then the goal will be to keep it off. It will be a lifelong process.

This week: -4.6lbs
Total: -4.6lbs